Fall leavesMy favorite season is fall.

File that right next to, “loves birthday cake ice cream” and “usually writes with a candle lit.”

The clouds are touching the ground tonight. They blur the city lights and announce to the people as they blow by, “Fall is here.”

It’s October 5th and winter is not wasting her time. In the midst of it all, the pumpkin picking and the festive arrangements being laid on doorsteps, there is me. Pacing the corridors of my mind. Slamming closed doors to overworked thoughts, opening them again, then on again with the slamming.

Last fall did not meet me with the joy I usually know.

October 2008 was truly a difficult month for me. I happened upon one of those dreadful nights where my heart blistered and cracked then fell out by way of my mouth, my nose, my eyes.

The details of that night won’t leave me. There is a very specific desire I stammered around and then spoke out loud. I still hope, as much as I did that night, that my words entered heaven with urgency.

This past year of time with Him has been marked by what I let fall from me and into His hands last October, our conversations frequently coming back to “that night last fall”. It’s not referred to as anything else; we both know which conversation is being addressed.

Words fail us in those moments; that’s just how it is. And so much of me failed too. The strength I believed I had, the vibrant trust I was sure was weaved throughout my being. All of a sudden brokenness had a night and a date and a time.

This past September was spent stepping lightly in each day, as I knew October was coming again. And it’s here; I’m in it…an anniversary of sorts.

It seems that my heart was scalped and for 365 days the Lord has continued to poke and prod around. And what a most horrific way to heal a wound! But I hear it’s best to get all the shrapnel out before you close the patient back up.

Through this all there is a bitterness that knows my name and asks for my attention.

“But let us not grow weary!” He beckons my mind, my soul, my heart. Bitterness and disbelief may pound on my desires and ask for me to flirt with them but the Lover does not fool around with such small requests. He asks for my life, in its entirety.

So my eyes stay on Him and He teaches me to love. To be a woman that loves and loves Him and loves well.

Yesterday I made a choice: to embrace October. But not just to embrace this month, to embrace the sovereign Lord within October.

My heart has seen a love that creates a new man. Love that can transform what we only thought could be tweaked.

With my heart I pronounce a toast, “Here’s to the prodding, the exposing and the sorrow that will birth life. To the walking forward every day in His love as it is He who raises the woman up to be able to say, ‘I want what you want Lord.'”

At times, it seems too much but there is always His faint voice, “In who else’s hands would you place this.”

And always the steady answer of my heart, “Only Yours Lord. Only in Your hands.”

“Open up my door Lord, to whatever makes me love you more.” – mewithoutYou

“Lord, I give You permission to cut.” -Catherine Hilger

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